Sunday, April 03, 2011

Fog

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Fog is funny.  Sometimes it's so dense and thick that if you are driving in it, you either pull over and wait for it to lift or you drive cautiously along at about ten miles and hour with your hazard lights blinking, even on roads you travel every day, hoping other drivers will see you and you will see them.  That is really dangerous fog.

Other times, you can look all around you and think, "wow, it's foggy over there."  But as you keep driving, you never enter that thick fog, you just keep thinking the fog is elsewhere. But when you look back, you realize you just drove through what looks like a dense patch.  But all the while, you could see where you were going, just not very far ahead.  It was a little hazy and not crystal clear but you weren't socked in. 

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Are you still with me?

I feel like I have been in a fog since my sweet Pedro died. 

At first it was like that dense, thick, pea-soup fog, my hazard lights flashing, moving ever so slowly, trying to find my way in what used to be such familiar territory - my life - but suddenly felt like The Twilight Zone.  I didn't recognize a thing.  My feelings, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams, my present and my future - all felt like foreign territory I had never walked thru before.

I just realized this week that at some point, it has begun changing into that looser type of fog.  Things are starting to look familiar again, but if I look too far ahead, all I see is a thick wall.  But I am beginning to find my way, one step at a time.  I am getting back into some routines and habits that had fallen by the wayside.  I am regaining some motivation for the necessary things of life. 

For You light my lamp;
the Lord my God illumines my darkness.

Psalm 18:28

So I'm not looking too far ahead.  I trust that God has his plans firmly in place for me but I am not trying to figure out what they are.  But I am enjoying each day more and finding my footing again.  I will fill you in via future blog posts about what some of that is looking like, especially in terms of my work with my darling boys.

Thanks so much to those of you who still pray or write or remember, as God puts on your heart.  It is much appreciated!

2 comments:

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Nikita said...

Laura,
I'm so glad that things are starting to lighten up for you. Although I've never had a child to lose, I have also had significant loss in my life. I can tell you that it never fully goes away but it does get better and you will see the light again fully. Let Him be your light that shines through the darkness. It may not seem like it at times, but He will always pull you through if you let Him.
As always, you're in my thoughts and prayers, as well as your darling boys.